Separation and Divorce

I found it a little sad that this ended up being our last lesson considering it isn’t the happiest one. The first thing we talked about in class was trends related to divorce or separation. I think I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog post, but couples that cohabit are three times more likely to divorce once they marry. Another statistic is that couples that get married as teenagers are more likely to divorce. However, there is an exception in Utah, but I don’t exactly want to get into that haha. Additionally, divorce is more likely to occur when a couple with one or more of the spouses gets remarried and there are children from a previous marriage. It adds so much more to the situation. Along with these trends, there were some interesting statistic that we went through.  For example, 10% of people regret their divorce after two years and think it could have AND should have been avoided. 70% of men are remarried after two years and women are more likely to initiate divorce. Also, there was a study done in California where it was discovered that the group of people most likely to divorce was women married to women. Similarly, the group of people most likely to have infidelity is men married to other men. Another statistic I thought was interesting was that people who regularly attend church or worship are less likely to divorce. To me, this makes sense because a lot of religions have high standards for marriage and family life. Additionally, 24% of Americans will divorce. I thought the statistic was higher, but still, it’s so sad that 1/4 of the country will divorce. And lastly, if a marriage is a second marriage for someone, 62% will divorce. And as mentioned before, oftentimes it is because there are children from the previous marriage in the picture.

Something interesting my professor told me was that  divorce was a lot different. In order for a divorce to be granted, the 3 As had to be involved, or at least one of them. They include abuse, abandonment, or alcoholism. On one hand, I think this is so sad, but on the other hand, I think it would have made people take marriage more seriously. Sometimes I think people don’t take the commitment of marriage more seriously. And not that I think that rule is necessarily a good one, but I do suspect that people took marriage more seriously when they had to have legitimate reason and probable cause.

A few interesting things happen with most divorces. One, mothers almost always get custody. Two, mental health almost always tends to go down after divorce. Additionally, for a child that is 15 with divorced parents, the father is on average 400 miles away. My professor explained that this is often because the father needs a new job to pay for a new place (separate from the one he was living in) and child support, and this often requires a new job, which in turn often requires to move to find it. Typically, when remarriage is involved with children, the birth parents tends to do all of the discipline. Very frequently, this pushes the step parent to feel as though thy need to liked by the children and they can try to compensate. This creates a disconnect and as one parent gets stricter, the other tries to compensate by getting sweeter, or less strict. My teacher suggested that the birth parent should be the one that does all parenting, while the step parent should be more of a cool or supportive aunt or uncle.

Overall, obviously there are a lot of negatives that can come from divorce and separation, but like we have learned throughout all the semester, situations like these provide immense opportunity for growth and happiness.

Parenting

Sadly, we only had one class this week because of the 4th of July, but this topic deserved a lot more than an hour and a half of teaching. Parenting is something I feel like nobody really knows how to do perfectly and there isn’t a perfect formula for it either. Every child is different and every parent or set of parents is different and nothing will work constantly and consistently  for every family. However, we talked about a few methods and concepts that should be talked about and worked for that can strengthen any home and aid parents in teaching their children and helping them to the best of their ability.

First off, my professor defined the purpose of a parent to be “to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which we live.” But how do we do this? One of the first things we talked about was respect. I think there needs to be mutual respect between parents and children. However, respect cannot be forced and it does not simply mean compliance. There has to be cooperation, or in other words operating or working well with others. If respect and cooperation are both present in a parent child relationship, there will be more love and understanding.

We went through 5 needs that children have. Number one being contact and belonging. We specifically talked about physical contact and how vital it is to children.  If children don’t have their needs met, especially physical touch, they will take a mistaken approach to try to get what they need. This made me think about the psychology experiment done years ago with baby monkeys. They put baby monkeys in a cage with a stuffed animal and a bit of food. Without their mothers, the babies chose the comfort of a blanket or stuffed animal instead of food. That is how vital touch is, especially with young. We discussed how with parenting, it is vital to never withhold touch or take it away as a punishment. As for belonging, Secondly, we discussed the need for protection. We need to teach children to be assertive (not aggressive) by being able to ask for what they need and speaking up when they do not like something. Along with this, it is important to teach forgiveness and to not force anything upon kids. Third, there is a need for power. We have to give children a choice. Allow them to have a say in their day and routine. Again, if this need is not met, they will act out and try to attain it in other ways. We discusses that they also need to experience consequences; natural consequences, or the things that follows a choice without parental interference. If all children ever experience is parental consequences, they will not be able to effectively make choices as adults. If children experience natural consequences mainly, they will learn how to make choices in an effective way that will carry through to their adult life. Obviously there are some situations in which parent’s should step in and intervene. For example, if its too dangerous or if the consequence is too far off to be a teaching experience. My professor shared an experience of some parents that allowed their 13 year old son to drop out of school. They believed he would experience the consequences eventually of not being able to find a job or be successful. My professor said “you’re going to let a 13 year old make a decision that won’t affect them until they’re 30?” Fourth, there is a need for challenges. Kids thrive off of a little challenge and it is good for them to be pushed a little above their capabilities. It allows them to reach higher and harder. Lastly, there is a need for breaks. Children need time off and space from their daily activities. They need to be allowed breaks from parts of their day. Obviously, kids need naps, which is an obvious example. But also children don’t have very long attentions spans and allowing breaks can help them focus more on what they’re doing and to handle their routines better. Overall, children have needs and if they are not met, they will try to act out in other ways to meet their needs. Parents need to pay attention to the individual needs and actions of their children and adapt to help teach and prepare their children for life.

Finances

This week we talked about something I dread talking about but I know I need to learn and talk about: money. Specifically in a marriage setting, finances scare me. I think money can be the source of a lot of problems. There are a lot of marital issues that can come up because of money and finances. One example of this is that because the husband often works and makes the majority of the money, often times there is the idea that he is the one that is in charge. Or in a two income family, one person might think “I made this money, it is mine”. But in a strong marriage, life is built together and shared. We talked about a book written by Marvin J. Ashton titled “One for the Money”. It is specifically geared towards LDS families and provides a lot of helpful information, even for those who are not of the LDS faith. A couple things it mentions are paying tithing, tracking spending together, and budgeting together. I think most church members have a knowledge of the blessings and benefits of paying tithing and have found that it brings more blessings than it does hardships. Secondly, we discussed tracking spending together. My professor said it helps a marriage in general to discuss things together and make decisions as a couple. He said “you’re not managing money, you’re managing yourselves”. I love this because I think if you track spending together, you will see more clearly where the money is going and be able to exercise self control. I also think it can prevent a lot of problems if one or both people are frustrated feeling like money is disappearing faster than it is coming in. That way, both people can see where the money is being spent and are able to see more clearly where changes need to be made. Lastly, making a budget together can also be largely effective. This provides a way to make changes and decisions together. My professor talked about how important it is to keep not only your wants and desires in mind. He said “in marriage, you should care at least as much about your partner’s wants and needs as you do about your own”. I love this! I think if both people will do this, there will be more peace and success when it comes to finances.

One thing I loved that my professor talked about was that budgeting or being tight on money can encourage a couple to exercise creativity. He shared about a time in the beginning of his marriage when he and his wife and kids were extremely tight on money. He said by the time they paid rent and all the bills, they had $1.50 for date night. He said they found a way to get cheap shakes and go on a walk together every Monday night. He also said they came up with creative, fun meals that were cheap and fun to make and eat together. He talked about how many couples often talk about the beginning stages of marriage when they were poor with a gleam in their eyes. He said that times like that make couples spend time together and get creative with ways to have fun.

The last thing we talked about that I loved was that we need to teach our children early to work hard. My professor said that play brings competition, but working together brings a sense of teamwork and togetherness. Additionally, when you do something hard with someone, you bond with them. It also provides opportunity to talk and communicate. I remember times working with my dad on a task simply because I knew it meant I got his time and attention and that we could talk. I loved that. Even when I came home from college a few weeks ago, I woke up and did yardwork with my mom for a bit because I knew it meant I got time to sit and talk with her in the yard without distractions. I think that children knowing that value of work will greatly benefit not only the family, but also the individual.