Communication and Problem Solving

We’ve learned a lot in this class so far, but so far I think the lessons this week were the glue. With every other issue we have discussed, communication and problem solving skills would be extremely beneficial in dealing with them. First off, we discussed that communication is defined as success connecting thoughts/ideas using verbal and nonverbal cues to share meaning between two or more people. My professor shared a cute story from his childhood where both him and a neighborhood friend got walkie talkies for Christmas. He said they stood at opposite ends of the street and tried using them. He said they were both yelling and kept getting closer and closer to each other until they realized they were not on the same channel and would never be able to communicate if they did not share a common connection or signal. He compared this story to the origin of the word communication, which is the word sharing.  I thought about this in my own life. When I feel like I’m misunderstanding or being misunderstood, I need to step back and ask myself “am I on the same channel as the other person?” I think it is so easy to misunderstand someone or be misunderstood. Every person has had different experiences and learning opportunities and we all communicate a little differently. I also think that nonverbal cues and communication is sooo vital to understand and look for.  In class we talked about how words account for 14% of the received message, tone is 35%, while non-verbal cues are 51%. That’s insane! The majority of the information people receive from us comes from our body language and non-verbal communication. That just shows me that I need to be incredible careful with my body language. I learned a vital example of this recently. Growing up, my dad was not always the best at showing emotion. When he was upset about something or frustrated, he would be silent. I had a conversation with my boyfriend recently about this because I have often thought he was mad at me when he wasn’t at all. He asked why I thought he was mad and I explained that when he goes silent I am used to that meaning anger or frustration. However, he explained that he just goes silent when he’s thinking or analyzing something. This experience made me realize that the communication we are raised with and are used to greatly affect how we receive communication as we grow and age.

We also talked about the definition of the word conflict. We defined it as serious disagreement or argument that last for a longer time, a clash of opposing wishes or needs. My professor clarified that a conflict can be an argument but that is not always the case. We talked about advice from the LDS prophets and apostles that we should have regular family council. We talked about the importance of discussing concerns or issues within the family so that they are addressed and not buried or ignored. However, we talked about how important it also is to express love and appreciation for those members of our family. When the apostles and prophet meet together every Thursday, they model this. They begin with expressing words of affirmation and love for each other. I love this because I have experience it. Last semester, my roommates and I decided to do weekly roommate council in an attempt to make our apartment an extension of our homes that we had all left to come to school. We quickly learned that we needed to express love for each other and talk about the things that were going well, and not just address conflicts or issues. I think that when we express love and appreciation for the members of our family, we have the spirit with us, which drives out contention and allows us to talk more openly about conflict more smoothly. I have also realized the difference it has made this semester since we have not had roommate council in my current apartment. There are a lot more passive aggressive actions and words because we don’t talk about things or have an opportunity to communicate openly. Overall, I think it is vital to learn first how we communicate, how others communicate, and then to set aside and provide time to effectively communicate and converse in the home and in family settings to ensure a feeling of love and peace can be felt in our homes.

Crisis, Stress, And Coping

I found this week’s classes and discussion extremely beneficial. We discussed stress, stressors, crisis, coping, resources to aid in coping, etc. A lot of this information was helpful even when looking at my own life, separate from the family structure. Everyone undergoes stress and crisis and one of the most important concepts I learned this week is that not only is it normal to undergo stress and crisis, but it is necessary and vital! My professor used the example of going camping or hiking and you see a bear. If we did not have stress indicators or crisis gauges, we would not be able to react in accordance or learn from situations. He explained that stress is essential to our growth and learning and without it, we would not be able to progress. He event went as far to say that it would be dangerous to our progression and learning if we had a lack of stress in our lives. Stress can be a positive thing! However, we have to learn how to deal with it and accommodate for it in our lives.

We were asked in class to brainstorm a list of resources for coping with stress. Here are a few: church, support groups or systems, recreational activities, extended family, service, professionals (counseling), reserves (such as food storage or saved money), education, animals, experiences (those of others or past experiences of your own). We discussed at length many of these resources and how they can be used. One example I thought was very interesting that my professor shared was when the Teton Dam broke in Rexburg a number of years ago. My professor told us that there was a member of the Red Cross on campus being interviewed about the crisis and she was asked what the organization had done for the people in the community to help with the situation. She explained that virtually nothing they did was beneficial and they hadn’t done much for the people. She said the people had been prepared with at least a year of food storage and were prepared for a crisis. I never thought about how preparation or reserves could help with future crisis or  coping with stress from an event such as this. I thought it was interesting to see how these resources could be applied.

Another interesting fact that my professor shared about crisis and coping was that he said “the way we define and think about a problem greatly affects how something influences us.” He explained this by talking about communities in Denmark vs. Guatemala.  He compared a community in Denmark that has one of the highest living standards in the world to a part of Guatemala with a very poor standard of living. However, those in Guatemala were significantly happier than those in Denmark. In fact, there were a high number of suicides in Denmark as well. We discussed how many people in third world countries are often so much happier because they view the world so differently based on the resources and environment they have.

Lastly, we talked more specifically about crisis and coping. We defined crisis as “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger; the turning point when an important change takes place, or a time when a difficult or important decision must be made. One thing that was very interesting that my professor pointed out was that the Chinese symbol for crisis consists of several symbols, two of them being danger and opportunity. He taught that this shows us that although times of crisis and trial can be extremely difficult and even dangerous at times, it provides great occasion for opportunity. We talked about how often times, crisis brings families together and strengthens relationships. My professor mentioned that in these difficult times, there is a choice to be made about whether we want to turn inward or outward for support and coping. He made the claim that those who turn inward to their families and loved ones will be taking advantage of the great opportunity to become closer to and strengthen your support group and often fortify family roles.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week we covered the most taboo topic of all taboo topics: sex. It was so nice to be able to talk openly in a class setting about marital intimacy and sex in family life. We were able to discuss different parts and aspects to intimacy and it was something I think should be discussed more.

First off, we talked about the differences between men and women regarding intimacy. One important thing to recognize is that sexual responses are more predictable for men than they are for women. Females may take longer for arousal and they can orgasm many times. Men on the other hand can only climax once and are often aroused more easily. Another large difference is the intentions for sex. Men often have sex to feel safe and close to their spouse, whereas women have to feel safe and close to their spouse to feel okay to have sex. Another interesting thing we talked about was the hormones that are released during sex. The first one is serotonin which makes a person feel happy, relaxed, and induce a feeling of well-being. Dopamine, as my teacher said is the “whoo-hoo!” hormone. And then, there is oxytocin which is a hormone that creates a bonding feeling. In women, all three hormones are produced and released during sex. In men however, dopamine and serotonin are released, but oxytocin, the bonding hormone is not. I think it is so important to look at some of these differences and understand that we have them. We discussed in class how so many misunderstandings and problems can come from intimacy. However, if we understand the differences that we have, it will be more easy for us to compromise and work on making adjustments to accommodate both spouses.  It was easy for us to come up with potential problems and issues that could come up, but my teacher pointed out that there are also so many opportunities for us to show love and understanding to our spouse. For example, there is a great opportunity for oneness. Both partners can learn humility and vulnerability, and can also learn to show compassion to one another. Additionally, it provides an opportunity to overcome the natural man.

One thing my professor talked about was that many couples come in is that they don’t know what their spouse likes! My professor said that a lot of couples don’t feel comfortable talking about what they like or don’t like. He said there is a technique that he uses with couples in this situation. He has one of them give the other a back rub and describe what feels good and what doesn’t and allow their spouse to respond with their hands. Although this technique is simple, it teaches couples to communicate more fully and allow their partner to learn to listen and respond. He talked about how this can take a long time to master and get the hang of in a marriage. One statistic I found interesting was that couples in their 40s and 50s reported the highest level of sexual satisfaction in their marriages. I think that this statistic points out that it takes time to form the correct relationship ad figure out what works best for both people in the relationship. I think the most important thing I learned is that men and women have differences, and that is okay! But more importantly, we have to be aware and conscious of these differences and work to communicate and accommodate both people in the relationship to have  effective marital intimacy.

Transition into Early Marriage

Last week was a good intro for this week’s discussions. We talked about engagements, weddings and transitions in early marriage. My professor first started by sharing a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that said “There is no reason to steadily date someone until you are in a place to marry someone”. I love this because my professor also talked about how the more times we attach ourselves to someone the harder it is to stay attached to someone. I think that more people need to be ready before they get involved. One statistic on this topic was that the average college student only has one date a year with four hookups a year. This also ruins your attachment and does not allow for the levels of trust and communications to be built that are necessary for a lasting relationship. We talked about how courtship and dating is practice for marriage and allows us to gain skills we need in order to live and be with someone eternally. For example, this could include cooperation, decision making, problem solving skills, commitment, communication, and assessment without Judgement. We can learn these skills on dates and by spending time with different people. I went on a fair amount of dates in high school and I feel like I learned a lot about the kinds of guys I enjoyed spending time with and the qualities I liked in others. I also learned a lot about myself and how I process different emotions and the way I like being treated. Everyone has preferences and different opinions and I think going on lots of dates and being smart about who and how you date can prepare you for marriage.

Speaking of marriage, let’s talk about engagements. I think this is something that is not anticipated or emphasized enough. The engagement period is a time for a couple to obviously plan their wedding, but also to begin really becoming one. But the proposal itself is important too! One thing I thought was interesting was that my teacher talked about how in today’s society guys always want to know if the girls is fully committed and will say yes before they propose. He point blankly said that proposals are insincere nowadays. My professor said “a sincere proposal is one where a man has fully committed himself to you before you have to him”. I thought that was really profound. He said that he proposed to his wife without fully discussing every detail and making sure she would say yes. With proposals today, most people are so wrapped up in making it look perfect and they stress so much about the photographer and making sure it looks good for pictures. It’s more of an event on facebook than it is an actual life event. However, I do see the pros of talking about marriage and both committing beforehand, but I totally get my professor’s point. Also…I’m just saying I wouldn’t be mad if someone took pictures of my engagements. Just saying 😉 On another note, my professor told us that the average wedding is $28,000! Like what??? I don’t think I will ever see that much money in my life. Hahaha. But really how does one afford that??? My professor warned against throwing tons of money at a wedding, and more specifically allowing the parents to throw a ton of money into the wedding. He said that often times it separates the couple and drags the individual man and woman back as a dependent under their parents. There are so many adjustments and decisions the couple needs to make that having parents control and do everything can be negative. Along with this, we also talked about some of the many adjustments in marriage. We made a very long list so here’s some of them: roles and responsibilities, chores, communication, lifestyle, closet space, values, finances, sleeping in the same bed, intimacy, social life, laundry, holidays and traditions, etc. There are so many! And I’m sure after I get married I will be able to tack on many more to that list. I am so grateful to be taking this class because some of these things I never really thought about. I think it is important to look into some of these things and at least think about them because marriage is a huge adjustment! I wouldn’t actually know from experience but it sure seems like a hugeeee change. Overall, I’ve learned that you have to really be smart about dating, relationships, and preparing for marriage to have a successful one!