Dating and Preparation for Marriage

I feel like I always say this, but this weeks classes were SO interesting. We talked about dating patterns, relationships, and preparation for marriage. One of the first things we talked about was the Greek terms for love. There are four main words in the Greek language for love, and they all mean something slightly different. First, is the word storge, meaning more of a parental love. Secondly, is philia which represents more of a brotherly or friendly love. Additionally, there is eros. This is a term used for sexual or passionate love. This is the romantic love you usually thing of when you think of dating relationships. Lastly, is agape, meaning more of a charity, service-oriented love. It is more of a love for fellow man. My professor asked what kind of love we would want if we could only have one in a marriage. It was interesting to hear the different answers that people gave after a class discussion. However, I think the point was to demonstrate that we need to have more than just one thing in common or one type of love with the person we marry or even just the people we engage in relationships with. My professor made a good point that we should have similar values with the person we marry, but our interests don’t need to be the same. However, the more common interests there are, the easier it will be to blend the two lives together. My professor pointed out that dating habits carry into a marriage. He encouraged us when dating to find joy and fun in doing the simple things in life like cleaning, grocery shopping, dishes, etc. If you can find happiness in fun in simplicity with the person you date, you will be able to enjoy marriage with this person more fully. Marriage is not all about elaborate dates and dressing up all the time. It’s about doing everyday life with another person and blending your lives together. Additionally, my professor made a really good point about the term “friend zone” in dating terms. He said “how foolish it is to separate friends and lovers…shouldn’t the person you marry be both?”. I loved this! I think about how much I love my best friend and how much I love spending time with her and I hope the person I marry exceeds that!

Another really cool concept we talked about this week was the RAM theory. It stands for relationship attachment model. The model lists five words in a specific order: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch.

The model helps explain that you cannot progress in one section more than the one before to have a healthy relationship. For example, you cannot trust someone more than you know them and you cannot rely on someone more than you trust them. I loved this model. I think it helps explain a lot. I think the problem with a lot of dating relationships with people of my age is that they skip to the touch aspect so much faster than anything else, bypassing important aspects of dating and relationships. You have to develop a strong relationship in order for it to succeed and you cannot leave anything out. For example, my professor mentioned that there was a study done in California of couple that cohabit, meaning that they lived together for a period of time before marrying (if they married at all). The statistics showed that these couples cohabiting were three times as more likely to divorce if they got married than couple who did not live together before marriage. He said this could largely be because the level of commitment was not in the right order. The RAM model was largely out of order. Additionally, my teacher referenced a study that was done on married couple looking at incompatibilities. They looked at married couples well on their way to divorce and found that there were ten major incompatibilities between the spouses. However, they looked at couples with high levels of marital satisfaction and also found that there were the same about of incompatibilities between the spouses. The difference was how the couples handled the differences between the two of them. As my teacher put it, “marriage is like putting all your cards on the table and creating the best hand with what you’ve got.”

Gender and Family Life

This week was very interesting to say the least. We covered a lot of controversial topics regarding gender and the family. It was definitely interesting to see different peoples’ opinions come together in a class discussion on such diverse topics. Everyone was raised differently and has had their views and opinions shaped in various ways and that was something that I realized as people shared their opinions.

We started off the class by discussing a quote my professor wrote on the board by G. Steinem. It said “We badly need to raise our boys more like girls”. He asked us what we thought of the quote and what could potentially be wrong with it. We came to the conclusion that a lot of assumptions are being made through this quote. We are somehow assuming that the way we are raising our girls is somehow better, that we are raising our children differently based on gender, and that both genders need to be raised the same (and more specifically in the manner we treat and teach our girls). This led into a discussion where we talked about differences in males and females that are maybe not so surface level qualities.  For example, we discussed that girls are much better with fine motor skills while boys are more skilled in gross motor tasks. This is apparent at young ages when observing the types of play that children engage in. We discussed how men have more spatial orientation while women view things more relationally. This can be seen in the stereotype that women are terrible at navigating with directions. But is that just a stereotype? Additionally, one fact I found very interesting was that women routinely have up to five times more connective tissue between their verbal and emotional centers of the brain. Men are generally not as emotional as women and this statistic offers a  more clear explanation for this other than hormones ( the typical reason people assume for the emotion level women possess). Furthermore, men are myopic, meaning their focus generally only allows them to focus on one thing at a time (often a frustration women have about men). I found some of these characteristics and facts incredibly interesting and they actually explained a lot. In my opinion, you cannot raise boys and girls the same because we simply are not the same. Someone in my class made a really good point about this. They said “by nature we are inherently equal but we are opposites also”. I thought this was profound because it is a hot topic in todays society about whether or not men and women are equal. I think that we are equal in worth but it is important to understand that we do have different qualities, and ones that are often on complete ends of the spectrum. We have to understand that men and women are equal but different.

Additionally, we talked in depth this past week about gender attraction. One thing I did not understand before this week was the difference between same sex attraction, homosexuality, and being gay. I think people get these terms mixed up too often. My professor defined same sex attraction as the desire to be physically close to the same gender. Being homosexual means sexualizing the same sex. This could be through physical contact, looking at sexual pictures, etc. Being gay is characterizing your identity by this. I think this is vital to realize when discussing these topics. I think it is important to understand that there are also a lot of biological variables and factors that contribute to gender attraction and identity. I think that in class we barely scratched the surface of these topics but I do feel slightly more educated. We studied theories that attempt to explain these topics, but I also was reminded that theories ATTEMPT to explain something. I think the truth is that we don’t know why some of these gender issues exist but we can do our part to be educated, kind, and open to opinions and ideas to explain and support those that struggle with these issues.

Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week was incredibly interesting because we talked more about family dynamics but we focused more on social class and cultural diversity and the effect these aspects have on family dynamics. At the beginning of the week, we were assigned some videos to watch to prepare for class. One of them focused on a mother and her kids in a very run down area in the south. They basically lived in a trailer or shed like home that appeared to be in a junk yard. The video focused more on one of her boys who seemed to feel that he was above their living circumstances. It was interesting how he talked down to his mother and acted almost as though he was above what his lifestyle was. He said he was ashamed to bring friends home or have people knowing where he was living. I thought this was super interesting considering he didn’t seem to do much to support or enhance his situation either. The mother, ‘tammy, seemed to be pretty proud of her situation. When I first started watching the video, I couldn’t help but think how absolutely terrible their situation looked. The yard was a mess, they didn’t have a car, their house was barely a house and it looked like a pig sty. However, Tammy mentioned how proud she thought her dad would be of her because she was doing so much better than what he did for he when she was growing up. It reminded me how different our view are based on how we grew up.  I automatically assumed that they hated their situation, just because I honestly would. But I grew up different. I am used to a nicer house, spare money, multiple cars, a clean yard, a furnace, etc. However, I realized that some people aren’t, and they’re okay with that! The social class and cultural diversity we grow up in has a huge effect on how we view things.

Along with this, we talked about other factors that have to be included when discussing family dynamics. For example, we talked about how Tammy chose to work instead of using welfare to live off of. Additionally, we discusses the absence vs. the presence of a father figure in the family. My professor explained that having a father figure absence is both a higher and lower class issue, but it has similar effects on the family dynamic. One thing that my professor explained that I thought was very interesting was that the single largest predictors of drug abuse was no father in the home. The second was a father that abuses drugs. We also discussed resources and how they affect families. This may seem obvious, but every family has different resources, which in turn affects their family dynamics. For example, resources could include something simple, like a car. Which in Tammy’s case was not something she had readily available. It could also be something larger like an education or degree. This resource opens up a lot of other resources as well. Additionally, another main resource that a lot of immigrant family’s lack is language. If there is a language barrier, it can also limit other resources.

As I looked into Tammy’s situation and participated in this week’s discussion, I realized how diverse every single family’s situation is. There are so many variations of key components and aspects that can play into a family dynamic. I think that every single culture is valid and important to recognize because they all have an effect on one another. When two people are married, they blend two different family dynamics and create their own and I think it is important to recognize this. All cultures benefit from and affect on another. Additionally, one important thing I learned this week is that it is vital to remember that our opinions and views are largely based off of the socioeconomic class we were raised in and we have to keep that in mind specifically when communicating with others.

 

Family Theories and Dynamics

This week we discussed a few different interesting topics. At the beginning of the week, we talked more about the science behind families and the theories that attempt to explain the way family relationships work. I found this very interesting because in each theory, I was able to see how it connect in my family or other families I have observed. The first theory we discussed was the family systems theory. This theory suggest that although the family is a larger unit, each person plays a smaller role within the greater unit. Along with this, we also learned that members of the family can be a part of subunits. I definitely can see this theory work in my own family. There are seven kids in my family and growing up I saw how each of us played a part in the higher function of our family. One of my brothers was often the instigator, one of my other brothers was frequently a peace maker, my sister was usually one to make us all laugh, etc. I realized that all these roles we fell into contributed to my family and the way we functioned as a whole unit.

Although all of the family theories are important, I wanted to just discuss the two that stuck out to me the most. The other theory that was very easily applicable for me was the symbolic interaction theory. This theory suggests that all behavior is symbolic. This is essentially stating that any behavior we engage in has a purpose and meaning. This behavior communicates a general feeling or idea that we are trying to communicate. Furthermore, the feelings and tone generated from these actions cause a reaction and a response from others. This is very easy to see in any situation. One example used in class was that often in families with parents that fight frequently,  one or more of the children will act up when conflict arises. This original action is committed to distract the parents and generate a feeling of frustration towards the child so that the conflict between parents is avoided. The reaction from the parents is a direct response of the purpose behind the child’s misbehavior. The meaning and purpose behind the original action was to distract the parents from fighting or engaging in an argument and because of the child’s behavior and the feelings their actions communicate, the response shows a connection from the original purpose of the child’s actions. This theory can be applied to almost any situation or set of behaviors. Additionally, we discussed how someone’s reaction can be categorized as negative or positive feedback. We learned that negative feedback corrects behavior while positive feedback reinforces behavior. Knowing this can help us to understand why someone reacts to a situation and what they are expecting you to do or say in response. Essentially it comes down to the fact that people act certain ways to communicate.

Later in the week, we talked more specifically about family dynamics. One thing I found really interesting was family rules. We discussed how often times these family rules are unspoken, but all members of the family are aware that these rules exist. For example, the first thing that came to my mind was that in my family, we have assigned seats at the dinner table. I don’t remember a day when these seats were assigned and I don’t even really remember ever discussing it either. However, growing up, all seven kids knew where their seat was when we sat down for a meal. It’s funny, because to this day we still tend to sit in those seats without even thinking or talking about it. Even right before I wrote this blog post, I had a meal with my family and I still sat in the seat that I sat in as a child. Most of my siblings have spouses and children and we can’t all fit at the same table that we used to eat at as kids. However, I still feel a little weird when we have to add another table at family dinners and my siblings aren’t sitting where their seat was. I never realized how this was an unspoken rule and something that I got so accustomed to. Additionally, one thing my professor pointed out was that when you get married, you have to be aware that your spouse will have grown up with different family traditions and unspoken rules. This is important to keep in mind because you might expect something that your spouse was not raised with. I think it is vital to keep your eyes open to these differences. Everyone grows up in a different family dynamic and learning about these theories and dynamic attributes has really helped me to understand more about the family unit as a whole.